Wednesday, March 19, 2008

What's the gift return policy on this thing?

I have an admission to make. I feel like a bit of a traitor in saying this, but here goes:

Cancer was not a gift.

I don't get it. Maybe I missed the enlightenment gravy train. Maybe I'd already realized that corporate jobs suck the life out of you and that love and friendship are more important than money and that you should try to laugh at least once a day. I knew all that long before cancer. I also knew that there is a beautiful balance in life between joy and pain, grief and laughter. That all things have their place in this complex and stunning universe. So what am I missing? I don't see cancer as a gift because I've known all these things for years. Am I missing a key ingredient? Do I need a teaspoon of existential baking powder to make it all come together?

It makes me feel like some sort of curmudgeon. Like I'm too pessimistic to see the rightful glory of cancer. But perhaps it's just that I'd already learned the life lessons that others often get from cancer.

Still, I'd like *some* sort of gift from cancer. It could've at least sent a fruit cake.


Sugarmouth O'Riordan said...

Right? And the whole "cancer made me a better person" thing? Bump that--cancer has made me a [more] selfish, petty, impatient, judgmental person. I also swear more and eat chocolate at every meal. But I GET TO. Because when you get cancer, you make the rules.


Anonymous said...

I don't buy that "gift" crap either. Sometimes things just happen, and we do the best we can to make it through. The fact that we're still here, at least for today -- maybe that's gift enough for now.