Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Fingers Crossed

I'm going for my 3 month checkup tomorrow. I can't hardly believe it's been 3 months since I've finished chemo. In some ways it feel so long ago. I am back to doing most of my favorite activities -- I am cooking and baking again, I can easily walk the dog to the park and I have eyebrows. (Eyebrows is one of my favorite activities?) But in other ways I am reminded of it everyday. Numb fingers and toes, I have to wrap a rubber band around my hair four or five times instead of once or twice, I still forget things occasionally and have trouble remembering the most common words.

I wonder at what point I will feel convinced that I have kicked cancer to the curb. Will I wake up one day and say, "that's it cancer, you can't have any more of my time!"? Or will it be gradual, like realizing you are finally an adult (gee, I probably shouldn't shop in the juniors' section anymore.) In any event, I feel more at peace with it than I did 3 months ago. And, surprisingly, I have come out of this feeling like I am in control. The most crazy, unexpected thing in the world happens to me and I feel like I'm in control? Hmmm, there's a stumper.

1 comment:

Ed said...

I am regularly surprised by my thinking and non-thinking about cancer and chemo... but I guess I shouldn't be. This whole adventure rocks your world, you know, and it has touched you and your closest support crew in so many ways. Will the thinking about it ever fade away? I don't know. Do you ever think of someone you once thought you knew ("best" friend, past lover, teacher) and wonder if they think of you? I do that all the time, and that's exactly how I expect my relationship to this section of my life to be - later. Congratulations on your successful journey, good luck tomorrow, and thanks for sharing your thoughts with the world. I know my journey is better because of you.