Friday, January 11, 2008

Nitty Gritty

I haven't been posting very much lately. I know. There is an explanation, although it's not a very pretty one.

I'm confused. And depressed. And mopey.

And I've been hesitant to blog because I don't really want to write some long dirge about me and my sad self. But I suppose this blog is meant to both help myself and others in similar situations. And if I'm feeling blah, there's probably others out there feeling blah as well. So, I will write both for personal catharsis and hopefully to act as company for others in misery.

I'm confused. Not about anything in particular, just general existential angst. What do I do now that I'm done with this horrible process? I don't feel like the same person as before I was diagnosed. I'm changed by this -- physically, mentally, spiritually -- but I don't feel like I've had enough time yet to get to know the new me. So I feel adrift. Like I've been teleported into a new existence and although I may look the same and talk the same something has shifted profoundly. It's like invasion of the body snatchers, cancer-style.

And depressed, which I think stems from feeling somehow alone in trying to negotiate this new me. I know that when am really intertwined with others (people, animals, nature) I am always filled with serene delight. (Okay, that sounds really granola, but hopefully you know the feeling I'm talking about.) This depression is the opposite of that. My thesaurus just told me the opposite of "serene delight" is "turbulent discontent" which pretty much sums it up.

And mopey. I just seem to be sighing a lot and wanting to watch lots of TV. Embarrassingly bad TV. And, no, I won't tell you which programs. You'll just have to use your imagination.

8 comments:

pocketina said...

I know what you mean...I think my current & fervent attack on my old way of eating stems from the belief that changing my diet will save me from having cancer again. And barring that, it gives me something to make me feel like I'm still fighting.

Think of what was going on, in the recent past:a long, hard period of willing ourselves through difficult situations, and the reward is not having to do them anymore, but I think we forget somewhere along the way HOW to not be a cancer patient.
I wish you lots of luck with it, of course. And me. And all of us.


As for TV:Gossip Girl. You're watching Gossip Girl, right? :-)

Sugarmouth O'Riordan said...

One more thing to look forward to: radiation, surgery, ostomy, IV chemo, and *now* existential angst? ;)

Sorry you're feeling down...did you ever meet with a therapist while you were going through treatment? I would have to think that what you're going through, feeling, etc. is not unusual...talking with someone or other ex-patients (the word survivor kinda makes me nuts) might be helpful...?

Gah, what the hell do I know, I'm just a newbie. Either way, I hope that you start feeling like your old self or more at ease with your new self soon.

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