Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Chemo is finally kicking my ass

I was told that the chemo effects are cumulative, that I would feel worse as the treatment progressed. But for some reason, I chose not to believe it. "I will be the one who feels just the same all the way through chemo." Well, I hereby evoke my right to be wrong.

Usually, I get one week of feeling crappy, then one week of feeling ok, then they dose me again. This time I pretty much felt crappy for the entire 2 weeks. It waned...today felt slightly less crappy than last week. But by last night (day 13 of my cycle) I was still chained to the couch, only able to get up and get myself the occasional glass of juice or gum.

It makes it really hard to get up and drive myself to chemo on Wednesdays knowing that I'm signing up for a worse 2 weeks than the last. My rational brain tells me that it's for my own good, it's potentially saving my life, etc. My hind brain screams "Noooooooooooooooooo! No Likey!" And I end up feeling like Olive Oyl being pulled upon by Popeye in one direction and Bluto in the other. (I'll leave it up too you, dear readers, to decide which part of my brain is Popeye and which Bluto.)

I just have to keep in mind that it's temporary. That, ultimately, this experience is going to light many fires under my ass. (Hey - no jokes about how my big ass can hold many fires! I was being metaphorical!) And that I am surrounded by many people who care a lot about me. That part is the best.


crow said...

I'm sorry to hear about the crappy-chemo-effects... I am curious about when you're on the couch. Do you at least get some rest/relief? Is it possible to enjoy bad tv shows, or movies, or reading, or do you just feel too awful to do that? My mom has stage iv pancreatic cancer and i'm surprised she doesn't watch tv more when she's laying around: I don't like tv much (don't even have cable) but if I got cancer/chemo, etc., I think I would immediately get satellite tv! If only to watch Mark Phelps swim, or Bollywood movies... But maybe it's not possible?


Megan said...

I think that it's like having a bad flu. Your brain is just so foggy and you feel so tired that all you really have the energy for is staring at the wall and zoning out. I have some days like that and some where I'm able to concentrate on DVDs/tv.

I think there may be an element of depression there, too. I am a pretty positive, optimistic person but I think that everyone diagnosed with cancer and having to go through months and months of feeling unwell would naturally get a little depressed. Some oncologists will perscribe anti-depressants - has your mom asked about that?