Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Hit by a bus tomorrow

I know that you all know that saying, "I could be hit by a bus tomorrow." But how many of you actually believe it? One thing cancer has done is made that idiom all too real. I could be hit by the cancer bus at anytime. I could finish chemo and they could find another tumor with the routine CT scans. Or, I could live to be 60 and find out I have another tumor. The syndrome I have (Lynch Syndrome) predicts that there is a 50% chance that I will get another colon cancer in my lifetime. I have always lived by the theory that 80% of statistics are wrong, math is just our best estimate. But now it feels like the bus *could* hit me tomorrow, the bus has me in its sights.

This leaves me profoundly torn. On one hand, I have learned from this that I have to value every day. That friends and family are actually there for you. That someone can love you equally at your absolute best and your absolute worst. And that things like cherry blossoms and ocean waves are really fucking beautiful. On the other hand, I am scared. What if I never live to do the things I want to do? What if they find another tumor and I spend my remaining few years in and out of chemo feeling like crap, then I die? When will the next tumor come? A year? Five years? Never? I live now with an unending uncertainty that I don't think I will ever be rid of.

So now I oscillate wildly from one extreme to another. Being so thankful I am alive to being filled with terror about tomorrow. How do I cope with emotions so extreme all in my one tiny head? Is this like grief, will it wane with time? Or will I have this forever and it will just become like background noise to whatever else I'm feeling?

This blog entry has more question marks than any previous ones. Feel free to post answers, guidance, your own questions or whatever you feel is appropriate. Or inappropriate.


crow said...

First of all, I love the name of your blog.

Second, I really like your thought about how 'hit by a bus tomorrow' becomes so much more real, and imminent.

Third, I concur on the shopping thing. While I'm not the one with cancer (my mom is stage IV pancreatic), I have been wanting to shop so bad! And I have people who could vouch for the fact that I hate shopping more than just about anything. I want to go get a totally new wardrobe, a new teakettle, wouldn't some nice new magnets look good on the fridge?? It's crazy!

Well, thanks for sharing your blog. I wish you all the best, and I"ll be back to visit.

Brett the James said...

Dearest Megan,
I have excellent news for you. As you know, I'm in China. And in China, it already is tomorrow and since you have written this post, it's proof-positive that you don't die tomorrow.

Better still, since I'm going to be in China all month, as long as you promise me that'll you'll let me know if you do get hit by a bus, I can promise to give you a one-day head's up on if such a thing is going to happen.

And then, at least for April, you can rest a little easier.


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