Half way!

I just finished my 6th chemo treatment . (Well, I'm attached to a pump for the next 2 days, but we won't count that.) Soooooo happy to be half way through. Gave the nurse a high five.

Only three more months to go and then I am done with cancer! Do you hear that cancer? DONE! Piss off! Go back from whence you came! Sucker!

That's it for today. Some glimmer of hope in the otherwise sucky world of chemo. Woo Hoo!


P.S. My little doggie is fine. No more balls. But he doesn't seem to care about the lack of testes. In fact, he doesn't even seem to know he has surgery. All that worry for nothing. Good little pup.

my dog's balls

Murphy, my new puppy, is scheduled for neutering tomorrow. And the only thing I can think of is if he is going to get good pain meds. Not so that I can share, you silly readers. I would only steal human pain meds - who knows what that dog crap would do to you. But I am worried about him post surgery. I can only guess that my obsession with veterinary pain medication is because I had to go through such horrendous surgery 4 months ago. Pain is bad. Like, really bad. And you don't realize how minor that little twisted ankle is until you've had your gut scalpeled open and various parts of you removed. Oww. It hurts.

I was given lots of different pain meds during my recovery and without them I think I might have gone insane. How did people have surgery in Ancient Rome? Maybe they had heroin or something. I sure hope so.

Anyway, I hope my poor puppy doesn't feel to much pain. I love him too much to think of him having to suffer.

Shopping

Somehow cancer has turned on my shopping gene. I've never really been a big shopaholic. In fact, I've always kind of hated shopping. Hate malls, hate chain stores. I really would rather have stuff just magically appear on my doorstep. Look.... Milk! Pants! A playstation!

However, I find myself spending small amounts of cash on what we Americans call "Luxury Items". A label maker, a nintendo ds, a new cell phone (free with 2-yr plan renewal!), lots of sweatpants, microwaveable warming mittens.... the list goes on. Now, I have very little cash to spend on these items since I'm not working, so nothing is really more than $10 a pop, yet I can't seem to stop. Some of it it internet boredom shopping, but why not just watch more cheesy movies or knit or write this damn book I'm supposed to finish during chemo?

I think there's a genetic connection between my cancer and shopping. Maybe the uninhibited growth of cancer cells makes me want to shop with no inhibition. Maybe it's the whole "life is short" thing that you get when you have a potentially deadly disease. Maybe I'm just reaching for anything that comforts me and takes away the fear, just for a minute.

Just for one minute.

full disclosure

Scout and I went to a little cocktail shindig at a friend's house last night. It was friends who live abroad and we only see every couple of years, so the always question came up..."Do we tell them about the CANCER." It's such a big deal that I feel like such a liar when someone I haven't seen in a while says, "howsitgoin?" and I say "fine". But to bring it up involves a long, semi-emotional conversation and for the rest of the time I feel a bit like an afterschool-special, "The Girl Who Got Cancer Too Soon."

A wise friend of mine pointed out that it takes a lot of energy to be that person. You get a lot of emotions directed your way...pity, "isn't she brave", stares, and just general attention you don't really want, especially when you already feel sick. I know these people are all well intentioned and I would probably have done the same thing a year ago. I think the answer I liked the most was from a friend of Scout's who we ran into on the street. She has battled cancer for years and so Scout shared my news. She just looked at me and said "Fuck." and then asked a few questions about what treatment I was getting and then moved on. I'm not sure why, but that sentiment seems so much more appropriate than "I'm so sorry" or "are you going to be okay?" or any of the other routine lines I get when I tell someone. I think I like that it was a statement. Fuck. No questions asked, no pity to respond to and say "I'll be okay!" Just Fuck. I like it.

Yesterday was a bad day

Yesterday I had my first really shitty day. I think I was fighting off a cold that Scout may have brought home, but in any event I was down and out. This was the first time that I was incapacitated by the chemo. Normally, it makes me feel tired and achey and there's some weird side effect happening like I can't feel the roof of my mouth and my tongue. But yesterday was far worse. I was in bed, unable to move, barely able to speak and pondering the choice between the epic journey from the bed to the bathroom and just pissing in the bed and dealing with it later. I chose the former, for you curious ones.

Eventually Scout came back, made me some chicken soup and now I feel back to my old achey self, but it really scared me. Is that what it's going to be like in a few more treatments or was that just some fluke day? I hate not knowing what's going to happen to my body tomorrow, next week or next month. I miss the part of being healthy where you have some idea of what you will feel like next week. Maybe you'll even get sick and feel crappy, but only for a few days. I miss that. I wonder if this experience has ruined being sick for me. There's something nice in getting a mild cold, skipping work for a few days and watching movies all day. I wonder if chemo has ruined that for me. I hope not.

Now I'm pissed

So the rollercoaster of emotions has just jet me off to pissed off. And what better reason to start a blog than to let the world know that you are pissed off.

I'm in the middle of chemo treatment 5 of 12 for colon cancer and I'm just tired of it. I'm sick of being cold (thanks, anemia!), sick of feeling almost naseated and really sick of thinking, talking and just generally existing around my poo. So sick of my poo. Really just wish I had months and months of normal poo.

Also, I want to drink cold things. The oxaliplatin robs you of lemonade, sodas and even room temp. water. Hot things just aren't what you want when you are feeling parched.

And, lastly, I want energy. Energy to take the dog for a walk or go to the corner store for a snack or walk down the beach at sunset. Unless I can find a really close parking space, you won't find me there.

But, I'm getting there. Almost half way through. I really hope that my WBC count stays high enough that I an do treatment 6 next week. I need to celebrate something right now, even if it's jut getting halfway through a miserable experience. If not, maybe I'll rent a really intolerable movie, pause it exactly half way through and pour myself a glass of wine.