full disclosure

Scout and I went to a little cocktail shindig at a friend's house last night. It was friends who live abroad and we only see every couple of years, so the always question came up..."Do we tell them about the CANCER." It's such a big deal that I feel like such a liar when someone I haven't seen in a while says, "howsitgoin?" and I say "fine". But to bring it up involves a long, semi-emotional conversation and for the rest of the time I feel a bit like an afterschool-special, "The Girl Who Got Cancer Too Soon."

A wise friend of mine pointed out that it takes a lot of energy to be that person. You get a lot of emotions directed your way...pity, "isn't she brave", stares, and just general attention you don't really want, especially when you already feel sick. I know these people are all well intentioned and I would probably have done the same thing a year ago. I think the answer I liked the most was from a friend of Scout's who we ran into on the street. She has battled cancer for years and so Scout shared my news. She just looked at me and said "Fuck." and then asked a few questions about what treatment I was getting and then moved on. I'm not sure why, but that sentiment seems so much more appropriate than "I'm so sorry" or "are you going to be okay?" or any of the other routine lines I get when I tell someone. I think I like that it was a statement. Fuck. No questions asked, no pity to respond to and say "I'll be okay!" Just Fuck. I like it.