I walked right in and asked for it

Some good news - I finally physically went to my Dr's office and asked to see my CT scan results (after 3 days of waiting for someone to call me back.) No sign of the tumor, my pain seems to be scar tissue related. So relieved. I really hope I have kicked this fucking cancer's ass (no pun intended) and it will be gone forever. FOREVER!

Getting so freaked out when waiting for my results reminded me that underneath all my strength and endurance I am still scared shitless. I really don't want to die. Not at 34. Or 40. Eventually, yes, but not anytime soon.

But I have little control over this. How do I come to accept that whatever happens is not under my control? That may be the scariest part of this. Every time I have a CT scan or a colonoscopy for the next five years I will be scared out of my mind. Last September when I woke up from the anesthesia and was told I have cancer I was too shocked and numb to feel the fear. But no longer. The fear is there, always lurking and coloring everything with its black and blue undertones. What if it's cancer? What if it's cancer? What if it's cancer?

Someone asked me today if this is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. It's actually not - I spent almost 10 years trying to rebuild my sense of self after 18 years of a crazy mother who used to tell me things like "It might be better for this family in the long run if you killed yourself" and "No one will ever love you because you are too fat." Yes, she was a charmer. That was harder - more emotional pain than physical but harder all the same. I keep trying to remind myself that I never thought I could ever be "normal" after years of crazy mom, that depression and misery was just my lot in life. But I did conquer that and I need to remind myself that I can conquer this, too. That the impossible is possible. That I am stronger than whatever life may throw at me.

And if it does kill me, well, at least I've felt true happiness. That's more than I thought I'd ever get.